maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
