Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
