I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
