The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
