wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
