break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
