he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
