It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
