Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
