oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
