My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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