i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
