Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
