When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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