Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
