life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
