At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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