remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Acid is not a monday night drug
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
