dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
These tits shall not be calmed
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
