I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
