I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
