Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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