If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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