ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
