Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
