well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I love you.
Bad choice
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
