You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
