Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I want to fling myself into the sun
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
