I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
