I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
