I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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