awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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