Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
