Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
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It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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