Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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