Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
