His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
