I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
