i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
