Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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