Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
