It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We had to coat check the pizza.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
