when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
