Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
