I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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