Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
