One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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