just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
