I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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