Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
