If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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