Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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