omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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