Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
