Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
