haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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