OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
