1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
